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Joker Couple Says Why They
'Want To Get Away To Mars'
by Gotta B. Kiddin


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Local couple, Hesa and Ima Goner of Joker, were chosen last Wednesday as one of 10 couples throughout the country to be finalists in the Google/ Yahoo-sponsored trip to the planet Mars.

Couples from all over the country have been submitting videos, biographies, letters of recommendation, medical histories and psychological profiles since last October to be in the running to be the first man and woman to step foot on the red planet, and the first humans to purposely give their lives to the promise of space exploration.

According to Jeff Besos, who is in charge of selecting the historic couple, they have received more than 350,000 applications to date.

Thousands of applications were rejected immediately, when it was noticed that some couples’ applications were only volunteering the other person to make the trip.

“That is not what we are looking for,” said Besos, “The perfect couple would be one that has been together for decades without strife. This trip is going to be like spending four years locked up, with only one other person, in a ship that will have a living space smaller than a normal family room.”

He stated that, due to the logistics involved in sending two people to Mars and re-turning them to Earth, an elderly couple will be chosen to make a one-way trip.

“We have received hundreds of applications from older couples offering to make the trip to Mars and remaining there for eternity,” said Besos.

While this would definitely save billions of dollars, it could create a public relations night-mare.

“What if they get there and change their mind about staying there? There would be absolutely nothing that could be done about it. The entire world would have to watch as the scene played out to the bitter end. The crew is aware of the one-way nature of this trip, but wish to make history with the end of their life.”

The interplanetary spaceship, which has yet to be named, will consist of six modules.

The largest will be the thruster module. It will contain 180,000 gallons of water, which will be used for both thrust and oxygen, as well as water for cooling and hydration. Since water is made up of two molecules of hydrogen and one of oxygen, a fuel cell will used to generate power for the craft by separating the molecules.

Hydrogen will be used to provide thrust at one-quarter of earth’s gravity (1/4 gee) for the first half of the trip and the same after turnaround of one-quarter gee for braking until orbit insertion around Mars.

The next section is the hydroponics, or garden module "This is one of the most important parts of the mission,” said Besos. “This is where plants will grow under natural sunlight, beneath artificial sapphire glass, providing a way to remove carbon dioxide from the air and a touch of natural greenery and fresh vegetables to eat.

“It will also be the only place one person can be where the other is not. The bathroom will also be located in this section for purposes of recycling. Except for an automatic airlock door, there won’t be any way to lock yourself in, or any door to slam.”

The living section, or home, is 15 feet by 43 feet. It contains the sleeping area, lounging area, and library, which is digital, with over 100,000 books and movies on file.

Another section is the research module. This contains some 750 different experiments that the team will carry out during the mission, to both further science and help occupy some of the time to reduce the effects of boredom.

The final section is the descent module. During the final two weeks of the mission’s approach to Mars, the crew will be loading most of the plant life into the descent module to provide life support to the crew for as long as possible. It is thought that the crew might have supplies to last for as long as six months.

CBS, FOX and ABC are negotiating for the contract to broadcast the mission from start to finish.

When asked why they would volunteer for such a mission as this, with no hope of return, the Goners said, “We would do anything to get away from the kids.”           APRIL FOOL’S





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